Mind-Body Connection

You may have heard the saying mind over matter, it basically means if you are determined and dig deep enough you can access your willpower to get the job done, whatever that is. There is definite merit in knowing you can push through hard times. It’s empowering and can even be an adrenaline rush to power through and overcome challenges. For many of you, it is a skill that helped you survive hardships and possibly abuse. 

However, there can be a downside to this philosphy. For example, when you experience rumination and/or anxiety, depression and cannot will your way out of it, you may be very hard on yourself and conclude that you must be faulty in some way, or weak. You may think self compassion is a kin to pity, or that you are not worthy of compassion as you need to be held accountable for your shortcomings.

This self deprecation has a tendancy to deepen your struggle with mental health. Adding fuel to this mindset is society, telling you if you are not pushing yourself to the limit, you are not doing enough,and ultimately, you are not enough. I want you to know that is a lie. You are enough, you always have been enough and you always will be enough.

What may be happening is there is a disconnection between the mind and the body. You’ve been living out of your head, thinking and willing your way through all of it, and it worked for a long time. There comes a point where, after pushing aside rest and not giving yourself the love you deserve, your body speaks or even screams to you through such things as illness, chronic pain, anxiety, panic attacks, depression, dissociation, depersonalization, mood swings, procrastination, anger, irritation, being easily overwhelmed, fatigued, and/or going hard for a while then crashing. You may experience tight muscles, shallow breathing, holding your breath, nausea, blurry vision, tunnel vision, bracing, headaches, inability to concentrate, etc.

In short, there comes a time when being chronically over capacity through constant busyness and pushing yourself to exhaustion just doesn’t work anymore, and your body demands your attention. If slowing down causes distress, there are most likely deep roots connecting a sense of safety and self-worth to being busy and being productive. It is a difficult position to be in, exhausted from overwork yet terrified to rest.

The remedy is to work with a therapist trained in working with what shows up in the body as well as the mind. There are ways to change our trauma responses and build our capacity. (Yes, what I have been talking about are typically responses to times we experienced something overwhelming and were not supported through it.) If you could change your response to challenges from overwhelm and pushing yourself to the limit to being able to say no when your gut tells you to and not feeling guilty, or to letting go of the idea you have to be perfect, not worrying about being judged, wouldn’t you?

Our bodies and our minds are amazing, and when they work together, amazing things happen. Remember you are enough, you always were enough and you always will be enough. Visit my website, link below for more information.

Deb Mooney RSW, SEP

http://www.simplicitycounsellingservices.com

Trauma and Somatic Experiencing (SE)

Trauma is anything that overwhelms the nervous system. This can happen though witnessing and/or experiencing catastrophic events such as earthquakes, hurricanes, fires etc. It also includes being witness to, or experiencing any type of violence, car accidents, falls, operations etc. Developmental trauma happens when we are children and have been subject to, or witness to, physical, verbal, emotional and sexually abuses. Symptoms can include anxiety, depression, OCD, self harming, eating disorders and attachment issues.

Trauma can also be cumulative after continuously seeing the trauma of others suffering. Paramedics, firefighters, social workers, nurses and police officers often suffer from this type of stress/trauma.

SE is a psychobiological approach to resolving trauma and chronic stress and treats the root cause of trauma symptoms. It works with the nervous system and does not require a retelling of the traumatic event, which may be traumatizing in itself. SE is a holistic therapy that gently works with the mind and the body’s “felt sense” or sensations. Even though the mind may be protecting us by minimizing, forgetting or rationalizing, the body does not forget and will show up as the symptoms mentioned in the paragraph above or in physical ailments such as chronic tension, hypervigilance, chronic fatigue, dissociation, digestive issues and chronic pain, usually with no diagnostic cause.

By working with the body’s felt sense as well as the mind it is possible to use the body’s memory of the trauma to gently release stuck patterns. With these patterns removed symptoms lessen or disappear and a client naturally becomes more resilient and empowered in their health, lives and relationships.

Some articles worth viewing are: http://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/the-intelligent-divorce/201503/somatic-experiencinghttp://www.socialworktoday.com/archive/090915p12.shtml

There are many books on the subject if you are interested, including include : Waking the Tiger by Peter Levine, Trauma-Proofing Your Kids: A Parent’s Guide for Instilling Confidence, Joy, and Resilience by Maggie Kline and Peter Levine, The Power of Attachment; How to Create Deep Lasting Intimate Relations by Diane Poole Heller Ph.D

You can also look on YouTube for videos by Peter Levine

Visit me at my website or book an appt. at http://www.simplicitycounsellingservices.com

Manifesting Positive Change

We can all manifest positive change in our lives. It involves ridding ourselves of things that no longer serve us so we can make space for what we want. We only have so much energy, and we get to decide where we want to put that it, where will it best serve us, long term. Remember, we attract what we focus on. In other words, if we think it and feel it, we can manifest it.

How do you do that when there are so many things swirling around in your head, so much to get done in a day? Start by breaking it into pieces, take one step at a time. Don’t just name what you want, write it down, actually get it on paper. This makes it real, tangible. Now notice how you feel when you look at it on paper. If you notice sensations such as body tension, anxiety, or feelings of low self-worth you need to listen to that. Your body’s reaction is telling you there is some work to be done in order to eliminate some negative beliefs as those beliefs can be a large part of what is blocking you from attaining your goals.

These scripts can be deeply rooted in our core belief system and we may not even be aware of it even though it shows up through physical ailments, mental health issues or a feeling being stuck. To manifest lasting, positive change, you need to clear out the negative beliefs and replace them with positive ones. A new belief could be one where you are strong, capable, and worthy. When you can write down what you want to manifest and you feel centered and clear it is a good sign your old belief’s may be old news.

Some ways to assist in removal of a negative script/blocks are:

1. Make gratitude a part of your day, every day. There is always something to be grateful for and by learning to see/feel gratitude you are creating new, positive pathways in the brain and your view of the world shifts.
2. Use positive affirmations- Try saying I Am and adding the affirmation. ie. I AM a good person. I AM enough. etc. Take the time to feel it, really feel the strength of it.
3. Meditation
4. Move your body. Put on some tunes and free style it! It feels wonderful and awakens the child in us.
5. Play
6. Challenge yourself to trying something new every day. It will feel uncomfortable at first but growth requires discomfort sometimes.
7. Treat yourself with kindness/ notice your responses without judgment
8. Do something that feels good!!!

If you find it is difficult to do the things listed above or you have done them and still feel stuck find a counsellor/therapist who works with the body as well as the mind. Someone who can help you feel safe to explore and clear destructive belief’s and increase your ability to manifest what you want in life. You have it within you to manifest your life in a positive, meaningful manner, we all do. I believe that.

Deb Mooney BSW, RSW , owner and counsellor/therapist of Simplicity Counselling Services (SCS)

Journey to Gratitude

When I was a kid compliments and praise were not a part of our vocabulary. Criticism and sarcasm, were, on the other hand, a daily narrative and feelings of jealously, frustration, and inadequacy were often felt emotions. Negativity was passed down generationally through my family and was the way I learned to speak to myself. For many years I jokingly voiced my perceived short coming before anyone else had the chance, quelling the stomach drop of shame that came from hearing about them from my peers. Without knowing it I chose friends and partners that reinforced my belief that I was not worthy. *Let me qualify here that none of these people were bad people. I know my parent love me and loved me as a child, they were doing what they were taught was best, they were playing the script they had been given and even though “constructive criticism” was implemented often, I recall my childhood with many loving, nuturing experiences as well.

I was married for ten years to a man who did not value me, himself, or family. I believe he didn’t know how and looking back I think he may not have felt unconditionally valued either. The marriage did not work out for a variety of reasons, but he was my first contact with positive speakers like Zig Ziglar and I am grateful for that. He also inadvertently taught me that even though a person listens to positive speakers, denying life’s problems does not make them go away. Being positive also means being accountable for one’s choices and working through issues to get to a place where genuine gratitude is possible. This relationship helped me realize I didn’t want to pass my story on to my children. Children learn what is modelled to them and that meant I needed to face the truth about my relationships with others and most importantly, with myself. I worked, and continue to work, on clearing out old negativity in order to create a new way to be in the world. Trust me, I know getting to a place where one can actually see things to be grateful for can be a difficult journey, especially when your script has been to see barriers everywhere. It is important to remember, perspective is everything and we believe what we tell ourselves. Take a moment and let those words sink in.

• What science tells us is gratitude is a natural antidepressant due to the fact that when we actually feel grateful, certain neural circuits are activated and dopamine and serotonin production increase. These neurotransmitters travel to the bliss centre of the brain which is similar to the way antidepressants work. The more often neural pathways are stimulated the more automatic they become. In other words, the more you practice gratitude the easier it gets and the calmer and happier you are. In addition, you will begin to attract more positive situations into your life and will be able to recognize and access your own inner strengths, giving you the knowledge you can handle whatever comes your way.

Regardless of your past experiences, you need to be your own best support. Remember creating this change does not happen during a panic attack. It happens when you are feeling grounded and calm.

Some ideas to get you started are:

• Make a gratitude jar and whenever you think of it, write what you are grateful for and pop it in. Check it every now and then to remind yourself of the abundance you have in your life.
• Say something loving and positive to yourself as you lay in bed. Your brain will replay it and nourish you as you sleep.
• Reframe your thoughts. By changing your perspective of an event you change the way you feel about it. For example: you can be angry about the fact that it takes one hour to get work in the morning, or you can be grateful for an hour where you can listen to music or an audiobook uninterrupted.
• Make a game of it. Whenever you have a negative thought, you have to come up with a positive thought. It doesn’t have to be connected, it can be anything, it just has to be something you are grateful for.
• Many times when we have a challenging experience there is an opportunity for growth, a lesson to be learned. Be grateful for that.
• Watch your language, instead of saying, “I will feel happy someday,” try saying, “ I am happy, I am creating change.” Make it tangible.
• We create what we focus on so why not focus on what empowers us. If it seems a daunting task slow it down. Try being mindful with different things throughout the day.
• Sit in the sun and let yourself feel the warmth on your skin. Notice the sensation that is created.
• Notice your cup of coffee from the warmth of the mug, to the aroma, to the taste of the first sip.
• Stand in the shower and allow yourself to actually feel the water on your back, your head, your hand. Notice the differences in sensation.

When you begin to notice the small things and how your body responds to that noticing you are well on your way to gratitude. The body sensation is connected to gratitude and that is where the ability to stick with it is. Let yourself feel the tingling on the water on your skin, the warmth of the sun on your face and the coffee’s scent of familiar comfort. And be grateful. I know from experience this is how you can cultivate gratitude into your life. Sometimes the steps are small but that is ok. It can be done and the results are worth it.

Deb Mooney BSW, RSW Simplicity Counselling Services (SCS) in Warman, Sk.

website: http://www.simplicitycounsellingservices.com

#generousity #self-awareness #therapy #counsel #Warman counselling

Children can be our best teachers

Parenting is about raising and celebrating the child you have, no the child you thought you’d have. It’s about understanding your child is exactly the person they are supposed to be. And, if we are lucky they might be the teacher who turns you into the person you’re supposed to be too. The Water Giver

Traditionally, parenting styles were classified into three categories; Authoritarian, Permissive and Authoritative, and now a fourth has been added, Neglectful or Uninvolved. The style in which we parent typically come from our own experiences growing up. We tend to model the way we were parented or sometimes we veer so far away from how we were parented we end up on the other side of the spectrum.

Authoritarian can best be described as an approach that requires obedience without question. There may not be a reason for family rules beyond the exercise of control. The focus is on punishment (retribution) rather than discipline (teaching).They can be status oriented and use shaming and/or withdrawal of love to control their children. Children growing up this way learn they are not capable of trusting themselves to make appropriate decisions, they can be perfectionists, afraid to fail or make a mistake. They may turn to self-destructive behaviours as teens as they feel they are “good enough”. They may stuff down the emotional part of themselves as there is no place for emotion or free thinking in an authoritarian household. Attachment issues may be present due to a lack of attunement to the needs of the child as opposed to the needs of the adult.

Neglectful or uninvolved parenting means exactly what it says, neglectful, uninvolved, detached and emotionally disengaged. Children may react with the same behaviours seen with authoritarian parenting as the result of feeling “invisible” and not having a chance to engage as their authentic self with parents, for fear of rejection. Attachment issues may be present from a lack of attunement as well as a lack of consistent response to a child’s distress.

Permissive parenting is characterized by a lack of rules and/or expectations. This may due to not wanting to upset their children or the idea that children learn best through natural interaction of their environment. Permissive parents commonly are very loving but may present more as a friend rather than an authority figure. As opposed to shaming their children they may use manipulation or coercion but stay away from any kind of authoritative direction. Permissive parents are warm and nurturing

The most balanced approach to parenting is the Authoritative approach. This style encompasses

structure and boundaries that are flexible and grow with the age-related needs of the child. There is age appropriate give and take of ideas between parent and child. Clear communication where the child is heard and their emotions and ideas are validated is practiced. There is a gradual shift in the parental role to more of a mentor and guide type role as children age into their teen and young adult years. In essence the parenting style promotes strong attachments and autonomy in children/youth/adults.

As previously mentioned this balanced approach is not easy to implement when you were not raised in this style of parenting yourself. If raised in an Authoritarian or uninvolved home how do we celebrate and accept the child we have when we were not allowed to celebrate and accept authentic selves as children? If we can recognize that disconnect we can make the choice to do things differently. This is not always easy as we tend to fall back into what we know when we are under stress or don’t know how to proceed. The biggest gift you can give your child is the gift of acceptance of self and of your child. Put away the work and the electronics and take your child’s lead. Listen to your child with interest and without judgement or criticism. Make time to not be busy! Be present. If you are finding that it is difficult to give up the need to control, it may be a perfect time for some personal exploration. Sometimes our children can also be our best teachers.

Deb Mooney BSW, RSW  Simplicity Counselling Services (SCS) in Warman, Sk.

Website: http://www.simplicitycounsellingservices.com

Play is a Joyful Necessity

Unstructured and self-directed play is essential to healthy physical and mental development. It nurtures creativity and imagination and aids in developing self-regulation. Children learn how to co-operation and negotiate when they play with others. Play builds resilience which helps minimize stress-related anxiety.

Play can provide a child with a method to express what may otherwise not be expressed. And role play allows a child an outlet to carry out scenarios in their life they do not have the skills to describe. When a child role plays in an imaginative world they created they learn how to problem solve and create goals, which nurtures confidence.

When play is driven by the child, the adult has a chance to see into their world and opportunity for stronger communication and trust between caregiver and child is created. Adults can let go and become children again if we allow the indulgence. Play does not allow room for thoughts about past mistakes or future misgivings. There is only the here and now, the present. Play sets the stage for discovering personal interests or future passions. It creates laughter and relaxation. Play is mindful and provides balance in a busy, complicated world.

Play is a joyful necessity.

Deborah Mooney BSW, RSW Simplicity Counselling Services (SCS) in Warman, Sk.

Website: Www.simplicitycounsellingservices.com

Building Resilience and Self- Regulation in Children

Our world is full of challenges. Life’s pressures can come at us fast and furious and more people suffer from anxiety and depression than ever before. Learning how to develop psychological resilience to stresses and have the skill to self-regulate our emotions ideally begin in childhood. Psychological resilience can be defined as an individual’s ability to successfully move though challenges with confidence and stamina. Self-regulation is the ability to manage emotions and express feelings in a socially acceptable and respectful manner. Both of these abilities contribute greatly to one’s mental health throughout life and are definitely worth nurturing.

Below are a few suggestions that caregivers can utilize to help in build psychological resilience and self-regulation in children and teens.

1.  We can “Hold Space”
   “Holding space” is simply being fully present during difficult times without judgement or even advice. It is to sit quietly with a loved one with love and empathy when they are expressing a difficult emotion. Sometimes our tendency is to fix everything for our children so they do not have to experience sadness or frustration. Ways of doing this might be taking them out for ice cream (redirection), or buying them something, anything to take their mind off of how they feel. This can create a pattern of avoidance and an inability to cope when disappointments or tragedies in life inevitably occur in adulthood leaving them feeling overwhelmed and helpless. Rescuing a child from their emotions takes away a child/youth’s opportunity to learn how to navigate through the tunnel of being sad, disappointed or uncomfortable. It also robs them of the accomplishment of coming out the other side, stronger wiser, more resilient. By “holding space” for our child they will learn they will be happy again and they will discover, through your supportive presence, their ability to persevere.

2.  Help children identify their emotions

   Sometimes children and teens have a difficult time knowing what they are feeling, and may “act out” through negative behaviours. We can assist young children to learn how to identify feelings through reading picture books that have elements of simple emotions such as happy, sad, angry. We can teach through modelling and identifying our own feelings. For example, “When I am hungry, my tummy rumbles and hurts and I feel grouchy.” By identifying the bodily sensation first and then the emotion we learn to listen to what our body needs and how our emotionally health is connected to our physical health/self care. A rule of thumb for all ages is to make it clear emotions are not bad and it is ok to feel them, including strong emotions such as grief, hate, anger, jealousy etc. Identifying feelings is also a first step in self-regulation. The next step is to help the child or teen figure out what they need in order to manage those feelings in an acceptable and productive manner. Sometimes the knowledge that someone is emotionally supporting or “holding space” for them, going for a walk, or simply having a snack or nap is what is needed

3. Provide opportunities for your child to help others
   Helping others can be empowering and teaches empathy. This can be age-appropriate volunteer work or getting your child or teen to help you complete a task you know they can master. Providing helping opportunities teach our children and youth the world is bigger than themselves and their singular need and wants. By understanding their actions affect those around them they learn to be more mindful of the choices they make.

4. Maintain a daily routine
   Routine and flexible structure for children of all ages is comforting and teaches them reliability. It creates a safe foundation for self-discovery, learning and making mistakes which in turn creates a healthy self-esteem.

5. Allow room for your child/teenager to make mistakes
   Children and teenagers will push the limits and make mistakes. This is how they learn and grow. These mistakes also create opportunity to view the problem in a broad or long-term perspective. Mistakes can be a prime time to learn how to problem solve, which includes how to do things differently next time and to acknowledge what was also done right. By staying positive caregivers can help keep things in perspective and validate that there is a future beyond the current situation and this, like all other things, will come to pass. Challenging situations create opportunities for self discovery and are often the times when a person, young or old, can learn the most.

6. Model self-care
   Children and teens are always watching you, the caregiver. They will always follow what you do more often then what you say. No one expects you to be perfect and if you are constantly trying to be it is sending a message that you are not good enough. That message is easily internalized by your child. They will learn that if you are not good enough then neither are they. Make yourself a good example, and care for yourself. Show your child the importance of making time to eat properly, exercise and rest. Make sure there is time for doing nothing and create time for having pure, child-like fun. Schedules and organized sports/activities have their place but children and adults need time for unorganized play as well. I cannot stress that enough. Down time and unorganized play aid tremendously in building resilience and self-regulation in your child/teen and even yourself. The truth is housework will always be there, opportunities for teaching your children how to create and maintain mental health will not.

7. Set achievable goals and break them down
   Acknowledge movement toward a set goal no matter how small that movement is, especially during challenging situations, Break goals into smaller, easily accomplished tasks and focus on what has already been accomplished as opposed to what is yet to be done. This builds self -esteem and confidence in your child/teen.

The reality is that life is, most times, out of our control, and that can be a difficult concept for many of us to accept. Children/teens can learn through our modelling that even though we are not always able to control our circumstances, we can control our reaction to those circumstances. We can care for ourselves and nurture our bodies so we are rested and healthy. We can prioritize building relationships and create an relaxed environment where there is time for play. We can learn to accept the fact that we won’t always have balance in our lives. When our emotions are low we can take the time to acknowledge it and give ourselves time and space. Goals can be flexible and can be tweaked or totally revamped to suit our new situation. We can look at the bigger, broader picture and know there will be new opportunities. If we can accept these things as adults and caregivers we will have trust in ourselves that we can handle the tough times and we can pass theses skills onto to the young children, teenagers and young adults in our lives.

Deb Mooney BSW, RSW Simplicity Counselling Services (SCS) in Warman, Sk.

Visit me at http://www.simplicitycounsellingservices.com

Introduction

My name is Deb Mooney and I am a Registered Social Worker and writer.  I work supporting families during the day and have a private practice as a counsellor in the evening and on weekends. I believe we all have the capacity within us to heal ourselves, but sometimes we may need some help.  Seeking out that help is an act of courageous and worthy of recognition. It isn’t easy to be vulnerable.

This blog is designed to provide insight into root causes as well as strategies to move through and/or manage issues that affect many of us such as anxiety, depression, grief etc.  Parenting and behaviour management tips will also be discussed as raising children in a chaotic world definitively has its challenges.

I hope you will be able to find some nuggets of wisdom or even helpful tips in my future writings.  In the meantime, take some time to give yourself a pat on the back for being here and doing your best every day. ( that can just mean showing up some days)  Remember to be gentle with yourself and those around you and take one step at a time.

Warmly,

Deb Mooney Simplicity Counselling Services (SCS) in Warman, Sk

Website: http://www.simplicitycounsellingservices.com